Q1: Why won’t Nintendo release “Xenoblade,” “The Last Story,” or “Pandora’s Tower” in the US?

A: That’s a good question to start. Come to think of it, that’s too good of a question ... I can’t help but be a little suspicious! Have you been spying on me? J’accuse!

Wow, things got quite heated back there, didn’t they?

The answer is simple, you foolish little man. Mother told me never to kiss a fool. She’s a lady of high moral standards, I’ll have you know.

Did we just have a moment? No? OK.

It made all the sense in the world to release these games in the US. English localizations for each were already available. And, at the very least, considering the surge in fan support observed in the past few weeks, they’d most likely sell reasonably.

Why, it makes almost makes too much sense! But don’t cry out conspiracy just yet, my agitated friend. You’ll just make a scene, like that time you cried out bomb at the airport. I was so embarrassed; everyone was staring at us! I didn’t even have time to put my shoes back on! What was I supposed to do?

So, here’s what happened: what started with an innocent, routine blood test became a month-long, heavily-televised paternity suit. And, in the end, the nation was brought to its knees. Contrary to what we were lead to believe in those charming TV spots, the middle-aged man in the multiethnic white jumpsuit-clad Wii family was not the younger boy’s biological father! Titillating, indeed! Hmm … Still, I don’t care for what you’re suggesting by using that word …

The family has not been available for new commercials since then, which inevitably stopped release of any new games stateside.

As to why the boy took a blood test? You just never stop with the questions, do you? The kid needed a blood transfusion; an unfortunate round of Katy Perry’s “Firework” in “Just Dance 2” ended in tragedy. Now don’t you feel bad for asking? I’ll put Baby in a corner!

You're welcome.

Titillating.