Thursday, July 28, 2011

Q1: Why won’t Nintendo release “Xenoblade,” “The Last Story,” or “Pandora’s Tower” in the US?

A: That’s a good question to start. Come to think of it, that’s too good of a question ... I can’t help but be a little suspicious! Have you been spying on me? J’accuse!

Wow, things got quite heated back there, didn’t they?

The answer is simple, you foolish little man. Mother told me never to kiss a fool. She’s a lady of high moral standards, I’ll have you know.

Did we just have a moment? No? OK.

It made all the sense in the world to release these games in the US. English localizations for each were already available. And, at the very least, considering the surge in fan support observed in the past few weeks, they’d most likely sell reasonably.

Why, it makes almost makes too much sense! But don’t cry out conspiracy just yet, my agitated friend. You’ll just make a scene, like that time you cried out bomb at the airport. I was so embarrassed; everyone was staring at us! I didn’t even have time to put my shoes back on! What was I supposed to do?

So, here’s what happened: what started with an innocent, routine blood test became a month-long, heavily-televised paternity suit. And, in the end, the nation was brought to its knees. Contrary to what we were lead to believe in those charming TV spots, the middle-aged man in the multiethnic white jumpsuit-clad Wii family was not the younger boy’s biological father! Titillating, indeed! Hmm … Still, I don’t care for what you’re suggesting by using that word …

The family has not been available for new commercials since then, which inevitably stopped release of any new games stateside.

As to why the boy took a blood test? You just never stop with the questions, do you? The kid needed a blood transfusion; an unfortunate round of Katy Perry’s “Firework” in “Just Dance 2” ended in tragedy. Now don’t you feel bad for asking? I’ll put Baby in a corner!

You're welcome.


Friday, July 1, 2011

Against Your Better Judgment

Hey, you. You look confused, possibly about the GDP. I don't know. This is "Against Your Better Judgment," or "AYBJ" for short, which, just like you thought, is pronounced like "AGWS" ... TLA.

In this blog I'll be answering pressing questions, longstanding or current, practical or plesiosauric (I don't judge), with the truth. It'll be often, but not that often, so don't give me those sad puppy eyes. Getting those must have been really gross. No, don't drop them on the floor! Who's going to clean that up?

I know what you're going to ask next, "Judgment, can I submit a question for you to answer?" And I would respond, "I don't know, Dennis, can you?" See, why are you so reckless? That was such a reckless mistake! You'd call me a wise guy but I think we'd be OK after we go out for drinks. What are tonight's specials? Ah, I guess it doesn't matter; I'll just get the margarita.

You may submit a question to me via e-mail. It's not illegal; I checked. I promise I'll look at it, but I don't know that I'll read it. I don't like confrontational fonts.

Finally, some brigands or highwaymen might consider the information I present here to be nothing more than satire. To these individuals I say, "I stand offended, my good sir. I thought we were pals!"

I'm sure there was a chance you were confused about the GDP. Don't lie.


Good morning. I'm Judgment. I begin your tutelage today. Did you bring an apple for me? You didn't, did you? Oh, I knew you wouldn't do it! Why did I get my hopes up?

You know, I would have understood if I had asked you for something fancy, like a fruit salad, but even those come in portable plastic cuppies. You've let me down today, old chum!

I can tell this is going to be a difficult year already ...